Alone I Break
by heartlessromantic667
Summary: Trying to fight your inner demon is harder than you would ever think, especially when the feeling you get is so natural. Takes place during Season 4, strong language.


**Author's Note: Sorry if this is a rather horrid story, I wrote it while on a couple hours of sleep and did the best editing I could. There will be 3-5 chapters, and it may take me awhile to post the next, so be patient. Don't be afraid to review (constructive) criticism, but don't be too harsh, okay? :P**

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I could smell the blood. I dreamed about the blood. I needed it to survive, to help Dean with winning this. Ruby was right, she knew what to do. For God's sake, she was a demon herself, and I trusted her with my life. With Dean's life. She had to know what she was doing, she knew which side of the war she was on; ours. Why didn't he understand that? Why didn't he understand that I was trying to make everything better for us?  
I sat on the hard motel bed, waiting for Ruby to return. She had left earlier to meet someone, that was three hours ago, and I needed to satisfy the craving that was so empowering. I didn't even need to eat, and I was stronger than ever. It was great.

Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair, and laid back on the bed while staring at the ceiling. Dean had gone off to meet with Cas, and wouldn't be back until later, he couldn't be. He didn't know about that Ruby was helping me to strengthen my powers, I honestly don't know what he would do if he knew. I would try to convince him that it was all for the better, but he wouldn't buy it. He loathed Ruby, anyhow, and if he saw she was here, he'd kill her. I couldn't let him do that.

My mind was racing, and as I grew more irritated at her absence, I knew the withdrawal symptoms were starting.

"Ruby… where are you?" I growled aloud, but to myself. I was beginning to worry; what would happen if I went too long without it? I didn't want to find out, all I know is Ruby said that it can never happen. Once I start, I can't stop.

For once, that made me feel naive, and dumb. I knew everything, I knew what happened when certain things were mixed, the reactions they made. So why didn't I know about this, and the effect it could have on me?

Dean compared it to being an alcoholic, of course he would know. It couldn't be that bad, I didn't need demon blood every night, and I didn't need a lot. At least I didn't think I did. I had self-control, I could tell myself when enough was enough. I was not addicted to this, I just needed it, and not even for myself; for Dean, and for us to win.

A soft knock at the door broke my thoughts, thankfully. With sudden energy, I raced to the door, unlocking and opening it, not even caring who was there. Of course, it was Ruby, and I don't think I had ever been so happy to see her.

"Oh, thank God." I said, she smiled, folding her hands over her chest and leaning on the door, with a smirk on her face.

"Sam, what would happen if I just came here to talk?" Ruby asked me, I stared at her.

"About what, the weather? Not likely." I scoffed and she chuckled.

"Oh, Sam, you need to be patient. I have news…" She trailed off, gazing at me, almost in pity.

My heart sank, was Dean okay? What about Bobby? The demons hadn't opened another seal, had they? The possibilities could be endless, and yet right now all I wanted was the demon blood. Didn't want it; needed it.

"Is everything okay?" I asked slowly, unsure if I wanted to hear the answer. Ruby just stared at me, her face solemn. She walked closer to me, until she was just inches away.

"We have to make this quick, I have to meet with… others, Lilith is on the move again, and I want her as far away from you as possible. So we need to hurry." Ruby told me as she unbuttoned her black leather jacket, slipping the pocket knife from the hidden pocket. I watched, heart racing as she pressed the blade on her forearm. As soon as she sliced, and the scent of her blood reached my nose, I pounced on her, gripping her arm as I savagely drank the blood flowing from her veins.

She laughed softly, running her hand through my hair and encouraged me. Ruby's blood was so sweet and warm. Better than any beverage that ever quenched my thirst, and any food that satisfied a gnawing hunger. As long as I had demon blood, I would survive. Hell, I would more than survive, I would be indestructible!

"I think that's enough," Ruby finally told me, but I couldn't stop. I knew she was getting impatient, but I needed more. And more and more and more, even when I wanted to stop, I couldn't. "Sam, you need to stop." She commanded, a tone of worry in her voice. I glanced up at her, her wavy blonde hair covering her face, so I couldn't see her concerned eyes. I never noticed how pretty she was.

Ruby looked weaker, almost like she would pass out. How much blood had I taken from her?

"Sam… please…?" She pleaded for me to stop. Hesitantly I let go of her arm, and she quickly drew back away from me. I stood back up, and she cowered away from me, as I neared her.

"Ruby, what's wrong?" I asked her, holding out my arm, yet she turned away.

"I have to go, I'm sorry Sam, I'll be back when I can… soon. I'm sorry," She wouldn't even look at me.

"Ruby, wait!" I called, but she had already slammed the door shut, leaving me in my solitude.

What had scared her? Was I turning into a monster? Even more of a monster than I already am? I felt my stomach knot and twist as my nerves tore through me. I sighed heavily, afraid of what I may have done. Did I hurt her?

Glancing at the clock, an hour had passed. No wonder she was so afraid of me. I shook my head in anger at myself, knowing I had to clean up before Dean got back to the motel.

Disgust flowed through my veins as I stared in the mirror in the bathroom. Blood covered my mouth, my cheeks, and it dripped from my chin onto my shirt. The only towels they had were white, I'd have to throw it away so no one saw the red stain left from me. I ran the cloth under the cold water running from the sink, and quickly wiped off my face and chin.

That's when I noticed it. I swore it was Yellow Eyes, all over again. I jumped, turning back behind me to find the demon who had snuck in the motel room, but no one was there. I turned back to the mirror, and felt my stomach heave. The person I saw in the mirror, the sinister, almost black eyed half human, half demon… was me. I was letting the demon side take over. I could feel the power of them rushing through my bloodstream, the strength and control I had. But I looked so evil, so not me. Dean would surely know something happened, and I couldn't let him know.

I hadn't noticed that I was sweating and shaking, until I felt my cold cheeks. I felt so hot, but my skin was ice cold. Fear consumed my heart as I tried to wake myself from this nightmare I was in. But it was real as everything, I couldn't escape. There was something wrong with me. Dean had been right the entire time.

I heard the door closed and I gasped. Dean was back, and I didn't know what I would do. Just hide out in the bathroom until he fell asleep? No way, he would break down the door for me to come out. I just had to go out there, and act like normal, tell him I was 'going to sleep.'

"Sammy?" My older brother called me. I gulped and took a deep breath, trying to avoid the monster in the mirror as I opened the door.

"Yeah, Dean?" I asked, leaving the bathroom door open as I walked out, head low.

"You all right?" He asked me, lying on the other bed, with a bottle of beer in his hand. I nodded, and stumbled to my bed, faking exhaustion. I was more awake than ever, one of the first effects of the demon blood.

Dean gazed at me curiously, and I tried to avoid his staring. I couldn't meet his eyes, I had to hide my face from him. I couldn't let him see me like this. I couldn't let him know that Castiel was right; his younger brother was a monster.

"Dude," He exclaimed, I turned to look at him for the first time. "Sammy, you have blood on your shirt," Dean cried. "What did you do?"

"I… uhh…" I had forgotten to change my shirt. There was so much blood around the collar, and flecked on the gray cotton. "I had business to take care of."

"What business, Sam? We work as a team, you don't do anything without me knowing!"

"What does it matter to you? Ever since Cas has been around, it's always been you two! You're always gone, so why can't I actually accomplish something on my own? You're just like dad, Dean." I growled, feeling the anger boiling in my body. I wasn't sure if this was my genetic anger, or my demon anger, and that's what worried me.

"Fuck, Sam, were you with Ruby?! I told you to stay away from her. She's a _demon_, we _hunt_ demons, dammit." I stared at him, shaking my head angrily.

"She has helped us more than anyone, including you. We need her, she isn't like other demons. Ruby is trying to help us, can't you understand that, Dean? No you can't, because you're running with the angels!"

"Says you! You were always on my case about believing in God and all of that religious crap, what happened, Sammy? You've changed." I shook my head, slamming myself onto my bed, like I had done when I was younger.

I didn't know what would happen when I got too angry. I wasn't upset with him, in a way he was right. But at the same time, Ruby is helping us so much. I am worth the sacrifice, as long as it helps us in the future. And I know she wouldn't lie to me, we've been through too much, she's almost died for us. Ruby is genuine.

"Dean-"

"No, Sam, I'm leaving, I can't do this. You're getting fucked up, Dad told me to watch out for you, but you're gonna end up killing yourself. So what can I do?"  
"Fuck you!" I screamed, he flipped me off before slamming the door.

After I knew he was gone, I walked back to the bathroom, and stared at myself. I couldn't even recognize me. Was it the demon blood giving me vision to see who I really am beneath this human flesh? A scream tore through my throat, as tears fell down my face. Who was I? Sam Winchester; half human, half demon. What was my destiny? Who was I supposed to be?

My body trembled with anger, and I couldn't control myself. Clenching my fists, I smashed the mirror, and watched as cracks made their course within the mirror, then shattered right before my eyes. Now I couldn't see myself. Now I wouldn't have to deal with this animal, this monster that was consuming me. The monster that Dean and Bobby were afraid of. The monster that even scared Ruby, for God's sake.

The monster that may have been my true self, and that's what scared me the most.

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_**So... what did you think? Good? Bad? Absolutely terrible and it made you sick and you want me to fall off the face of the Earth? :D Go easy on the criticism, all right? **_

_**Much appreciated, love always,**_

_**+AngelaRenae+  
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